I'm Guilty

The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.
~Ayn Rand~

I hate guilt.  No, let me correct that - I hate feeling guilty - and Lord knows I feel guilty all the time.  I've learned, though, that feeling guilty isn't the same as actually being guilty.  Sometimes, I think that maybe I confuse feeling guilty with feeling ashamed.

My latest bout with guilt (shame?) was at Arlington National Cemetery earlier this week when loved ones gathered to offer a loving and final farwell to my brother.  I wasn't paying attention to what was going on because I was too focused to what I thought was necessary.  I wanted my sister-in-law to have something before the service began (which I later discovered wasn't necessary) and leaned forward to ask her daughter to "give this to your mom".  She said something I didn't quite understand and I thought she was just blowing me off so I leaned toward my sister-in-law and tried to give her what I had typed up for her.  She leaned back and whispered 'not now' - which I figured out was what my neice had said.  When I looked up (and beyond my own nose) I realized that my brother's casket was being removed from the hearse and his family (well, all but me, apparently) were being humble and honoring him as he was carried to his final resting place.  I immediately felt guilty because I know better - and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since.

That same day, after the ceremony/service, I thanked a friend for coming and was told 'anything for you'.  My brain was in overdrive trying to think of a witty comeback but all my mouth could spit out was 'buy me lunch?'  That was just plain embarrassing and had he been able to join us, there's no doubt I'd have felt guilty if he offered to pay.  Open mouth, insert foot is the story of my life.

I feel guilty if I take the last cup of coffee or piece of pie; I feel guilty if I spend money on me instead of someone else; I feel guilty if I do anything that might possibly cause someone else to do without something or have to do something that I've not done.  Some of that, I think, could just be human nature because I know a lot of people who feel the same way.

One thing I do know for sure is that those negative feelings descend upon us like a buzzard on roadkill.  The positive feelings require a bit of effort - at least until we get used to them.  I sure wish it could be the other way around.