Bless The Little Children, Lord

To lose a child ... was something that could end one's world. One could never get back to how it was before. The stars went out. The moon disappeared. The birds became silent.
~Alexander McCall Smith, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency~

Last week's tragic massacre at Sandy Hooks Elementary School in Newtown CT has had a profound effect on everyone I know.  Those with little ones of their own are hugging them a little tighter and a lot more often.  Those of us with grown children are a little more grateful.  Parents should never outlive their children but it happens.  I can only imagine that it's the worse thing that could ever happen to a mother or father.

I have to wonder, though, is losing a child in such a horrendous way any more tragic than losing one through accident or disease?  Not to diminish this or any other massacre, but isn't the real tragedy in the lost itself rather than how they were lost?  Could it be that the sheer numbers of those loss at one time is a source of our devastation and outrage?  Obviously, another source would be that such a thing could even happen.  What if all the victims had survived?  Wouldn't we all be just as outraged but at the same time, be thankful?

Through my passion for genealogy, I've learned a lot about parents losing children and how fortunate we are to live in this time when it's not the norm for most of us to know someone who has lost a child.  My parents and grandparents never lost a child but my great-grandparents lost 3 children in 3 years.  My great-great-grandparents lost 2 children and my 3rd-great-grandparents lost 2.  How tragic for all of them.

Our children are so very precious to us and to the world.  They are our future, our hope and our immortality.  As long as they live, a piece of us lives within them.  To lose them diminishes something within us - our light, our hopes and dreams, our very life force.

While it's true that we need to find a way to bring back a sense of security to our children, we also need to remember that in many cases, the perpetrators of these vile and despicable acts are usually children themselves.  What of them?  How did they get that way and how can we stop the perpetuation of more of the same?  What are we doing wrong?

Perhaps it's time to kick the government out of our parenting business.  Children are told that they can report their parents if they're disciplined in a way that various government agencies deem abusive. And it's not just the government - so many parents today are falling down on the job.  Children aren't taught that actions have consequences or to respect other people's rights and feelings.  Someway, somehow, we have to find a way to turn things around.  If we don't, what do we have to look forward to?

God bless the little children.

Like Nails On A Chalkboard

"People who say that small things don't bother them have never slept in a room with a mosquito."
~Dennis Rainey~

I have several pet peeves but the one that causes me the most irritation - and it's only an irritation as opposed to making me angry or causing me to wipe someone from my life - is obvious bad grammar and the written word that is a wrong spelling of the correct word.  Confused?  Okay, for example, when someone writes "their" when they're talking about a place drives me nuts!

As for the grammar, I totally get it that not everyone knows when to use who or whom (I certainly don't!) or not to end a sentence with a preposition.  When I hear "what did you do that for?" or "where are you at?" I know they should be "why did you do that?" and "where are you?".  Those examples don't bother me so much.  It is EXACTLY like nails on a chalkboard, however, when I hear "I done that" or "I seen it".

Of all the things I hear that have the 'nails on a chalkboard' affect on me, the absolute worse is when someone uses "that" when they should be using "who".  Example?  Glad you asked!  When someone says "he's the one that did it" or "she's the one that wanted it" I mentally correct the "that" to "who" but keep my mouth shut. People are not things and therefore shouldn't be spoken about as if they were.  You wouldn't say 'that's the car who I want" would you?  Of course not!

And names - oh my gosh, it makes my skin crawl when I see "Michael" written as "Micheal".  I understand there are more ways than one to spell some names but not all of them.  I guess that one bothers me more than some others because it's my son's name.  My other son is Matthew and I don't care to see it spelled "Mathew" but I know that's a variation and not an incorrect spelling.

And then there's my name - Frances.  Did you notice that it's spelled with an "e"?  I absolutely hate it when someone spells it with an "i" and will not hesitate to correct them if I can.  I tell people all the time - e is for hErs and i is for hIs. I wish I had some cute little ditty like that to teach people to spell my son's name correctly.

Okay, in the grand scheme of things, all of this is as unimportant as a gnat.  I certainly don't judge the kind of person someone is by the grammar they use.  And I don't make a habit of correcting people because, well, like I said, it's totally unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I recognize that it's my idiosyncrasy and has nothing to do with the other person.  Some people who I love dearly use some of  these examples every day but it doesn't diminish their value in my eyes.  It's people who matter - not grammar.  The world is not going to end because someone that doesn't care about grammar don't use it good.  (OUCH!  That hurt and took some self-control not to correct! lol)

Just a little ditty about a pet peeve by me... FrancEs  :D

On Mothers and Mothers-in-law

I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still The deepest impressed on my heart.
~Eliza Cook~

It's been two years since we lost my mom and nine months since we lost my mother-in-law.  How strange to have a Christmas with neither of them.  Both moms were a big part of our celebration and I miss them both- especially at this time of the year.

Both moms always got along quite well and really seemed to enjoy each other's company in later years.  They each taught me something about getting old and the circle of life.  My mother deteriorated physically while my mother-in-law suffered with Alzheimer's.  I'm not sure which is worse - a failing body or a failing mind.

The year that my husband retired, we decided to spend his birthday weekend with our son and daughter-in-law who lived in another state.  I suggested that we take our mothers since neither of them had ever been to their grandson's home.  My husband asked if I was sure I wanted to do that and I told him it would be good.  The moms could sit in the back seat and his mom could tell my mom the same stories over and over and it would be okay because my mom couldn't hear them anyway.

Both moms preferred to sleep sitting up and each wanted our son's recliner.  It turned out that his love seat had two recliners so they both slept on the love seat.  I say 'slept' but what they really did was talk and giggle all night long like a couple of school girls on a sleep over.  Because of my mom's hearing loss, both mom's spoke loudly and never gave it a thought that the rest of us could hear them.

None of us begrudged our moms/grandmoms their company but we all agreed, with loving smiles, that we'd never take a road trip with the two of them together again.  With all the 'pee stops' and "Oh! Look! Can we stop there?" stops, the 8-hour drive took us about 12 hours.

After my mom moved in with us, she wouldn't climb the stairs to go to bed so she slept in her recliner in the living room.  When my mother-in-law would visit, she insisted on sleeping in the living room with my mom.  Again, it was like two school girls on a sleep over but this time,  we were far enough away that their giggling and non-stop chatter didn't keep us awake.

When my mom passed away, I was concerned about how it would affect my mother-in-law.  They (whoever "they" are) say things happen for a reason.  I guess it's true that God does what He does because He knows best.  My mother-in-law's Alzheimer's was a blessing in this case.  She took the news as though we'd told her a neighbor had died and then promptly forgot.  Every time we'd visit her, she'd ask how my mother was.  After several times of telling her that my mom had passed away and listening to the condolences only to have her ask about my mom, I would just tell her that my mom was doing fine.  For some reason, that seemed to stick and 'other mother' didn't ask again until the next time we visited.

It gives me a lot of comfort to think of my moms together in Heaven, giggling and driving the Angels crazy with their school girl silliness but I miss them both.  I'm so very blessed that I have that to comfort me.

To Control or Not Control - And What Should Be Controlled?

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
~Mark Twain~

So everyone is in an uproar over the comments made by Bob Costas regarding the murder-suicide committed by Jovan Belcher of the Kansas City Chiefs NFL franchise.  Costas said "If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today."  I have to agree that if Belcher didn't have a gun neither he nor Kasandra would have been shot but to say they'd both be alive today?  I wouldn't go that far.  I'm sure you've all heard the saying 'where there's a will, there's a way'.

I find it somewhat unsettling that so many are up in arms about guns when what they SHOULD be concerned about is WHY some individuals are so willing to take another human life.  What is wrong with our society that such a heinous act should be held as an example for why there should be yet more government control in our private lives.  Isn't it ironic that news reports of crimes (particularly murder) involving guns very quickly turn from the act itself to what was used to commit the act?

It's very clear to me that Jovan had some emotional issues or he wouldn't have done something so awful.  Why is THAT not the focus?   Wouldn't it make sense to try to learn why some people are willing to kill another human being instead of  how they choose to do it?  We can take guns away from people all day long but until we address the real issue - why they do it, not how - it's not going to stop the killing.

There are so many ways that people are killed - stabbings, strangling, drunk drivers, overdoses on drugs, beatings - it's a long list.  Why in the world do gun control advocates think that taking guns away from people will stop the madness?  And don't let them tell you it's just about registering guns.  There were several guns in Jovan's home and they were all registered according to news reports I've read.  Bob Costas' meaning was clear when he said "if he didn't possess a gun".

There is something inherently wrong in this great country when so many in our society grow up with such a low regard for human life.  When will we try to control that instead of guns?

Oh To Be Liked

When you stop living your life based on what others think of you real life begins. At that moment, you will finally see the door of self acceptance opened.
~Shannon L. Alder~

When I was young, I used to believe that no one really liked me because, well, frankly, I wasn't worthy. I was shy, introverted and tried desperately to please everyone.  I believed that if I could please people then they would have to like me.

I wouldn't dare disagree with anyone because they might not like me if I did.  I waited to form my opinions based on what others thought and then would make myself take the same opinions.  I wasn't good enough as myself so I had to copy those who I perceived to be good enough.  I'm not sure I know even now what it was that I thought I wasn't 'good enough' for.

I remember thinking "I can't believe I'm doing this - this is what the cool people do" when I got my ears pierced, when I got contacts and when I got a driver's license (at age 30, no less!).  That's how low my self esteem was way back then.  In my mind, I could hear people saying "oh she thinks she's so cool with those earrings" or 'she thinks she looks good without glasses".

It has taken a lifetime but I've learned that you can't make anyone like you no matter how hard you try to change yourself into what you think others expect you to be.  Not only that, but I also learned that if I can't like myself then it doesn't matter if anyone else likes me or not.  You know what else I learned?  I learned that learning that lesson was the most liberating experience I had ever had.

When I was first married, my husband would deliberately pick fights with me about the stupidest things.  My reaction was to shut up and let him win every argument.  But he was relentless.  He would goad me until I would finally get to the point that I would argue back. Once that became second nature for me, he confessed that he started those arguments so I would learn to fight back.

Fighting back with him was one thing.  Fighting back with others was something else entirely.  I remember the first time that I actually argued back with a stranger.  It was because she was a threat to our oldest son.  The next time was about our youngest son.  Learning that I could stick up for my children planted the seed in me that I could live just fine without caring what someone else thought about me.

My husband's next 'project' was to teach me to stand up for myself.  That was harder because standing up for myself meant that I had to believe I was worthy and I wasn't quite there yet.  Still, I had stood up for my babies so I knew I had the ability.  I give my husband all the credit in the world for helping me become the person I am today because without him, I would probably still be cowering in a corner waiting for people to like me.

This road to self-acceptance and self-love has been long, hard and filled with detours but I've reached a point in my life where I know I'm good enough and worthy to be liked - even loved.  I've learned that not everyone has to like me because, frankly, I don't like everyone.  Really, who does?

I have learned - through the love of my family and some pretty awesome friends - that I'm a pretty good person, worthy to be liked - even loved.  I've learned that's it's okay to make mistakes and that making them does not diminish my worthiness.  Knowing that has enabled me to deem others worthy to be liked.

Learning that I'm worthy has led me to the best lesson that I've learned - life is good and I am happy.  It only took a lifetime.

What a difference a day makes!

Black Friday, because only in America do people trample each other for cheap goods hours after being thankful for what they already have.
~Unknown~

Isn't that quote just the truth!  A mere 24 hours ago, we were all about being thankful for what we have.  Today, that's all but forgotten. Today, it's about finding the biggest and best thing we can't afford to give to people we probably don't give much thought to throughout the year on a day that seems to have lost its meaning for most people.

Why do we do this?  My first guess would be that it's based on selfishness and a poor sense of self-worth.  Huh? Giving to others is selfish? Poor self-worth?  I'm kidding, right?  Nope.  How many people - and we all know them - buy gifts for others just because they think it's expected or because they think it makes them look good?  Have you ever heard someone say, while shopping, "oh this is good enough"?  Lord knows, I have.  And, of course, there's the mentality that if someone gives to us, then we have to give equal or better to them - right? Oh, so WRONG!

My second guess - and it really goes hand in hand with the first - is that society has dictated that we make our Christmas big - big gifts, big parties, big decorations, big food, big debt.  It's more than 'keeping up with the Joneses'.  It's about OUTDOING the Joneses.

A few years ago, my family stopped exchanging gifts on Christmas.  I really thought I'd be disappointed the first year there was nothing under the tree except was was bought for children.  To my pleasant surprise, it was one of the best Christmases ever.  There was no stress, no debt and a true sense of what's important. Not only that, but when it stops being about getting things - and they really are just things - there's virtually no disappointment that you didn't get everything you wanted as well as the most or the best.

The following year, I started a new tradition - one I wish I'd done when my sons were little.  I made a special cake and decorated it for Jesus' birthday.  Before cutting the cake, I gathered everyone around and we all sang Happy Birthday to Jesus.  It was a simple gesture but one that reminded us all of what the day is REALLY about.  It's only been 3 or 4 years that I've been doing that but it seems to be expected that I'll do it now.  I love that!

I was out shopping a couple of weeks ago and saw something that I thought my husband would like.  I remember this conversation in my head: "I'll wait and give it to him for Christmas.  No, we don't do gifts so why wait?"  It's such a liberating feeling to give presents when you WANT to - not when you HAVE to.  I have a new - renewed? - appreciation for Christmas now.  My wish is that everyone would quit being greedy and selfish and discover their own appreciation.

Oh yeah - I'm still thankful today for everything I was thankful for yesterday.  Are you?

Giving Thanks

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.
~Oscar Wilde~

This is the time of the year when we're supposed to give thanks for all that we have but with so many people out of work and others barely eking out a living, it's harder to find something in our lives for which to be thankful.

I don't think any of us are unaffected by the awful economy to which we are subjected.  I know I see it in my own family, my friends and even personally.  I'm hearing (and saying) "I can't afford it" a lot more often these days.

This is the worst I have ever seen it in my life.  I think about my grandparents and what it must have been like for them to have lived through the depression while raising five kids.  I have a whole new respect for them knowing what they went through.  I can't imagine having to suffer through rationing basic supplies and making meals when there's no food in the house.  I totally get it now why so many older people who lived through the depression are so tight with their money.

It's my personal belief, though, that the things for which we should be thankful are neither money nor the possessions it can buy.  We should be thankful for the good things in our lives that can never be taken from us.  We should be thankful that God, in His infinite wisdom and boundless love for us, has given us all that we really need - not what we want, but what we need.

Everyone has something for which to be thankful whether they realize it or not.  Do you have a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in at night and food on your table?  Do you have a family or friends who love you?  Are you reasonably healthy?

Times are tough - maybe you need to look harder for something good in your life.  Are you homeless sitting on a street corner begging for change?  Guess what?  You still have life in your body and can have hope in your heart.

God never promised us an easy ride but He did promise us that He would take care of us if we would only ask for His help and have faith in Him.

My greatest thanks go to God for His love and for giving me the ability to have faith.  I'm thankful that I am loved and have the capacity to love in return.  I'm thankful that God gave me the family and friends He did and I'm thankful that I have the ability to know what is most important in this life.  What are you thankful for?

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

“Dreams, if they're any good, are always a little bit crazy.”
~Ray Charles~

Dreams fascinate me.  They are usually out of context with real life and so disjointed in the sequence of events that, in the light of day, they make no sense and bring pause to wonder what things must be happening in our subconscious to skew things so dramatically.

There was a time, not so very long ago, when I never remembered dreaming.  I have always heard that, whether or not we remember, we dream all night long.  For some reason, I remember dreams now even if it's only part of the dream.  I've also noticed that my once infallible memory isn't quite as infallible as it used to be and I have to wonder- are my dreams taking up space previously used for reality?  Is that even possible?  Could there be a connection between memory and dreams?

And what about dreaming in color?  I've heard about a couple of studies that suggest dreaming in color occurs mostly with younger people and that, by the time we're about 60, our dreams are black and white.  I could never remember if my dreams were in color or black and white until one that I had recently in which the colors were quite vivid.  There goes that theory that dreaming in color is only for the young.

Some people believe there are supernatural connections to dreams, as well.  I'm not sure how much of that I believe but I DO believe that some dreams have a purpose or a meaning.  Those dreams, I believe, are the ones that we have the highest level of recall about.  I've had exactly four of those dreams in my lifetime.  I can remember every detail of each of those dreams and the last one - about a year ago - is the one with the vivid colors.  I'm positive of the message of only one of those dreams so far - the very first one - but believe there was a reason for each of them.  Maybe in time, I'll learn that purpose - or purposes.

As I first stated, dreams fascinate me but the ones I find the most fascinating are the ones we have over and over again - recurring dreams.  I've never had a recurring dream but used to think I'd like to - until that last, vivid dream.  That dream was so real, the feelings within it so strong, that I would rather not have that dream again.  After that dream, it occurred to me that most of the recurring dreams I've heard of are not often good dreams.

Last night I dreamed that my husband and I were visiting our granddaughter.  She was giggling and playful, clearly having missed us as much as we miss her.  There's nothing mysterious, out of context or disjointed about that dream.  I really do miss her and have had her on my mind a lot lately.  Maybe that's what all those dreams really are - a cornucopia of all the things that are swirling around in our minds coming together in the only way they can.  That or maybe they're a bunch of separate dreams that we remember as though they were one.  I guess we'll never know.

Sweet dreams.

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

"Intelligent hauntings are (when) they're trying to communicate with you, like tugging on your clothes."

~Grant Wilson~

Most of us have had them - those experiences that we can't explain or ignore.  Several of my family and friends have told me about instances where they felt the presence of or a sign from someone who had passed away.

One of my aunts told me once that she had her mother on her mind one day.  She glanced up at a photo of her parents  - my grandparents - and said to the photo "Mama, I hope you're with Daddy and you're both okay".  The next morning, her daughter got up and told her mother that she had a dream about her grandparents that night and said that Grandma told her to tell her mother that she was with Grandpa and they were fine.    My aunt was home alone when she made her comment and she didn't tell anyone about it.  A sign from her parents?  I believe so.

My cousin told me a couple of days ago - and was the inspiration for this blog - that someone pulled her hair twice when she was home alone.  She believes it's her dad letting her know he's still watching over her.  I think she might be right.

A couple of years ago, my cousin and I were doing some genealogy research in the courthouse in Virginia Beach and I was in the 'vault' - the room where they keep all the old records.  I found a record about the death of a baby and was surprised to see the parents were my 3rd great-grandparents.  This was a child I never knew about.  Right about that time, I became aware of a strong scent of roses and thought that someone in the outer office had received a nice bouquet.  A little later, my cousin came in from the outer office and suggested we get some lunch.  While at lunch, I told her about my discovery and had a thought - I'd been looking for the parents of my 3rd great-grandfather with no luck.  It occurred to me that if I looked up his brother's marriage record, I might learn who their parents were.  Once we got back to our research, I went straight for the marriage records and hit pay dirt!  There was the information I had been looking for!  About that time, I smelled the roses again.  I looked at my cousin and asked 'do you smell those roses?"  She shook her head no so I asked, 'how can you NOT smell them as strong as they are?"  She smiled and said, 'they aren't meant for me'.  Sure enough, there were no roses to be seen anywhere in the outer office.

I think, too, that those experiences are not limited to someone who died.  Once when I was working in my uncle's warehouse, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.  I was totally alone but the tap was real.  I turned around, fully expecting to see my oldest son standing there - which was strange in and of itself because he was living in another state at the time.  As you guessed, there was no one there but I couldn't get my son off my mind.  I decided to give him a call.  He was on his way home from work and I talked to him until he got home.  The next day, I was talking to my daughter-in-law - his wife - and she told me that he had a tendency to fall asleep when he was driving home from work and that she tried to talk to him on the phone so he would stay awake.  For some reason, she didn't talk to him the day before and he confirmed that he was about to fall asleep when I called him.

I don't know what anyone else may think of these experiences, but I'm not convinced that they are signs from loved ones who have passed away.  Rather, I believe they are messages from God meant to comfort us or maybe, in the case of my son, to use us as His agents to intervene when necessary.  Whatever they are, I believe they're real and that we should always take comfort from them.

A Mind Boggling Passion

"Generations pass like leaves fall from our family tree. Each season new life blossoms and grows benefiting from the strength and experience of those who went before,"
~Heidi Swapp~

Anyone who knows me for five minutes knows that one of my great passions (I have two) is genealogy.  I have no idea where my desire to know my roots originated.  Certainly, no one else in my family has the drive I do to uncover family skeletons.  Oh, they're interested in hearing about what I find but they don't care to do the research.

Maybe it was born in me.  I had an interest in my family history while still a teenager.  Or maybe it comes from not knowing my biological father until I was an adult.  I knew who he was - his name, that is - but I didn't know WHO he was - what he looked like, his life story, his personality, his interests, etc.  It's really funny, but until a newly-learned about cousin from his side of the family sent me a photo of my paternal grandparents, I'd never given them a second thought.  Dad was the only one who mattered.  I never even considered the possibility that I had paternal relatives.  But I digress.

I had a thought this morning - well, actually, I remembered something I'd read somewhere - that it's nothing short of phenomenal that everyone who's alive today has literally thousands of years of ancestors.  When you think about that in basic terms and consider the numbers of people who died without descendants, it's amazing.  Their biological lines ended.  When you consider that so many women used to die in childbirth and the high rate of infant mortality, it's a wonder any of us are here today.  The odds were certainly against our survival.  Our ancestors must have been some pretty strong people.

I used to think it would be cool if I'd find out that I'm descended from royalty but, truthfully, while that might be exciting, I think it's far more interesting to learn about the horse thieves and bank robbers.  Everybody wants to be descended from someone famous, I suppose, even that someone was less than a model citizen.  One of my ancestors was tried for treason during the Revolutionary War.  He took the side of the British and acted upon his convictions by blowing up his neighbor's ships in the harbor.

Someone once asked me how I would know when I was finished tracing my roots.  I suppose the meaning behind that question was to ascertain my goal.  My answer, meant to be funny, was "when I get back to Adam and Eve".  Truthfully, I'm finding that I reach a degree of satisfaction when I get the point that an ancestor came to America and from where.  So far, I've reached that point with a few lines but still have a few more to go.  At that point, I'm guessing that my satifaction will be short-lived and I'll need to know about my homelands...  It's a passion with no end but one that absolutely intrigues me to that same no end.

Put America First

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
~W.C. Fields~

W. C. Fields sure had it right, didn't he?  I can't tell you how many elections I've seen in my lifetime in which I've heard that this candidate or that candidate is the lesser of two evils.  What a sad commentary on the state of our political arena and how far we've moved away from the values of our forefathers.  They put the needs of our country first.  Today, politicians will say anything, tell any lie, manipulate any data to ensure that they are elected.  They claim to put the needs of the country first and foremost but do they really?

I know times have changed since 1776 and issues have become more complicated but shouldn't we still be able to believe that our politicians put our country's best interests ahead of their own?  Sadly, the majority of them don't - I say 'majority' because the optimist in me wants to believe that there is a politician out there somewhere who isn't out for his or her own gain.

Obviously, part of the problem is that not everyone agrees on what's best for the country.  So, why can't they (the politicians) be honest and actually TELL us what they really believe is best?  My guess is because their desire to win is greater than their desire to do good for America.  They would rather say what they think will get them the vote and then wonder why they're not as popular with the American people after they're elected.

I don't know what the answer is or how we truly know what a politician believes but I do know that we still have to vote - even if we're casting our vote for who we consider to be 'the lesser of two evils'.  I truly hope and pray that the turnout tomorrow is huge.  I don't care who you vote for - get off your duff and VOTE!  WE can put our country first even if the politicians don't.

See you at the polls!

Touching Angels

All God's angels come to us disguised.
~James Russell Lowell~

Have you ever wondered if angels really exist?  I'm here to tell you, they do - but not all of them have wings or halos.  Let me tell you my story - It's as real to me today as it was way back then.  I'll have to tell you about the events leading up to my encounter so you can hopefully understand my state of mind.  It's probably long so I apologize for that now.

It was May, 2000.  I was still working then (for the Department of Elections) and my boss sent me to Fairfax, VA to sit on a discussion panel about absentee voting.  The date coincided with National Police Week so I told my friend - who, until this point, I'd only talked to online - that I'd take the train in for one of the ceremonies and we could finally meet in person.  BEST thing I ever did! (Another story for another time)

During police week, there are three events that never change - on the 13th, there's a candlelight vigil to remember and honor police officers who gave their lives in the line of duty.  On the 14th, there's a parade of Emerald Societies and Pipe Bands (that's bagpipes for those who don't know) followed by another emotional ceremony to honor the sacrifices made by Irish law enforcement officers.  Then, on the 15th, there's a ceremony to commemorate National Peace Officer's Day which is held on the grounds of the US Capitol and at which the keynote speaker is often the President of the US.  My friend and I can usually tell when someone is attending Police Week for the first time because of the look on their face - we call it 'shell shock'.

In 2000, the Candlelight Vigil was rained out and was combined with the Emerald Society ceremony on the 14th.  The reason I mention this - and think it's important - is because it was like a double whammy of shell shock for me.  I remember feeling numb but still crying.  I don't think I realized how much I was affected by the flood of emotion that I was sure I didn't feel until days later.

After the evening's events were over and I had spent some time getting to know my friend better, we said our good nights and I went back to my hotel.  After the discussion panel the next day and a meeting in Richmond the following day, I finally made it home where I decided to visit an online forum for the spouses of police officers that I was a member of.  My intent was to write about my first police week experience.  Instead, I was smacked in the face with a post about a young officer in Doraville Georgia who was killed in the line of duty.

His name was Hugo Arango.  I'll spare you all the details of what I read.  Suffice it to say that he was shot several times.  The one part that I kept reading over and over again was that, after he was shot and lying dead on the ground, his murderer walked up to his lifeless body, placed his gun directly on Det. Arango's badge and fired another shot.  He made his point - he killed a cop.

About that time, my husband came downstairs.  He had to work the midnight shift and as he stepped off the last step and turned to face me, the light shined on his badge.  I showed him the story about Det Arango and his only comment was "oh well - occupational hazard".  Now I understand that's not how he felt but how he dealt with it in front of me, but still, it added to the emotions that were already threatening to burst from my chest.

My husband left for work and I sat home, alone, crying.  I felt helpless and a whole string of other things that I still can't describe today.

The next day, I got up and tried to get myself together to go to work.  I was an even bigger basket case of tears and emotions - and I couldn't stop thinking about my grandfather.  I had an overwhelming need to be with him.  Why he was on my mind at this time was beyond me - until I called work and told them I just could NOT make it.  I looked at the calendar.  It was May 18, 2000.  The twentieth anniversary of his death.

After I called work, I got dressed and drove to the cemetery.  I walked up to my grandparent's graves and just stood there.  I had no flowers, no purpose.  I felt lost but knew that I just needed to be there.  I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I was crying.

Suddenly, someone walked up to me and said "I don't mean to intrude but you look like you need a hug".  I looked at a young woman who I hadn't seen anywhere around when I drove up.  I still don't know where she came from.  I told her that yes, I did need a hug.  Why I said that, I have no clue - it certainly wasn't a conscious decision.  She put her arms around me and hugged me gently.  I was immediately filled with warmth and a sense of peace.  Have you ever felt something that affected you so profoundly that you still feel it years later?  That's how that sense of peace affected me.

We spoke for a few minutes and then she handed me a card and told me "My name is Tiffany.  I work here.  If you ever need anything, please call me."  I thanked her and put her card in my pocket.  I honestly don't remember her leaving - or me, either, for that matter.  But when I got home, I reached in my pocket to put her card away and, yeah, you guessed it - there was no card.

About a year later, I  had an appointment with a new doctor and her office happened to be right next to the cemetery.  After my visit, I decided that, since I was right there, I would stop by and pay my respects to my grandparents.  When I pulled up to their grave site, I could tell there was a funeral about to take place on the other side of the little road.  A man from the cemetery was standing there and I asked if I'd be in the way.  He said no, the hearse was about 15 minutes out.

I spent a couple minutes with my grandparents and went back to my car.  Before I got in, I asked the man if they had anyone working there named Tiffany.  He said no, they'd never had anyone working there with that name since he'd been there.  I asked how long he'd been there and he said "ten years".  That was just confirmation of what I already knew.  I had been touched by an Angel.

I Don't Care

Once you label me, you negate me
~Soren Kierkegaard~
 

I don't care if you're gay or straight.  I don't care if you're black or white.  I don't care if you're christian or Jew.  I don't care if you're male or female.  I don't care if you're fat or thin, beautiful or ugly, old or young.  I don't care if you're single, married for a long time or divorced. I don't care about anything one might be that would be considered a label.

I hate that people can't be who they are without having to be lumped into a category.  Back in the 50's and beyond, women who stayed home, took care of the house and raised the children were called 'housewives'.  During the women's movement of the 60's and 70's, that became a derogatory label.  For a couple of decades, those women (and I was one) didn't know what to call themselves.  Now, they're called 'stay at home moms' or SAHM for short.  Why is one label unacceptable and the other perfectly ok?  Could it be that one label is okay and the other not because one clearly includes raising children whereas the other does not?

In some ways, I liken labeling to profiling in that you lump people together based on certain demographics and then assume (this word fits PERFECTLY here) certain things about those people.

What do I care about?  I care about the kind of person you are and the way you treat other people.  I care about the choices you make that tells me you know the difference between right and wrong.  I care about having respect for all people based simply on the idea that they are a human being regardless of any label they might have.

Maybe that's what it's all about.  Labeling gives some a reason to not respect another person and for that reason alone, I will never like labels.  But, of course, that's just my opinion.

Stop The Madness

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard~

Oh my God, I'll be so glad when the campaign commercials finally stop!  They wouldn't bother me so much, I think, if the things they "quote" weren't taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something the speaker wasn't saying.  I mean, seriously, who among us hasn't misspoken a few times in our lives?

"You didn't build that".  "Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax and are dependent on the government". "The private sector is doing fine". And now we have this: "Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military's changed...We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines".  If I hear one more time that the Marines and Army still use bayonets, I'll scream.  Point made. Move on. (By the way, I watched the debates and when Obama made the comment about the 'underwater ships', I knew he was talking about submarines. It never occurred to me that it might be a 'gaffe'; rather, I thought it was a condescending remark meant to make Romney look stupid.)

We expect our politicians to be perfect and make no mistakes in what they say or how they say it.  We expect them to say what they mean, mean what they say and never misspeak or say something that isn't exactly right.  When they do, the media jumps all over it as though the 'gaffe' is a true picture of who the candidate is and what he stands for.  Like puppets, we follow what the media says and repeat it over and over again to anyone who will listen.

Americans need to learn to use common sense when politicians are running for office.  Instead of jumping on the gaffe bandwagon when the candidate they oppose says something stupid (and, Lord, don't they all at times!) why not put it in perspective and concentrate on what's REALLY important?  Where do the candidates stand on the issues that are important to you?

I don't care that Obama said he campaigned in "57 states".  I consider myself pretty smart but I once told someone that our current flag had 48 stars.  Of course I know our flag has 50 stars just as I'm sure Obama knows we only have 50 states.  I misspoke.  I would hate for someone to take my gaffe as an indicator of my ability to be a leader.  I can tell you one thing for sure - my vote will not be based on who made the fewest gaffes or said something less stupid than what the other guy said.  My vote will be based on which candidate I feel will do the better job in leading our great nation.

The best quote I heard today was from Dean Obeidallah.  He said "the American public is smarter than most political campaigns give us credit for. We may not be geniuses -- me included -- but we intuitively grasp when a politician has merely slipped up or when he or she has revealed something much more significant."  I think he's right.

I Love You

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.
~Max Muller~

I say "I love you" a lot.  I say it to my husband and our children every single day.  I say it to my aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters-in-law whenever I talk to them on the phone.  I say it to my friends whenever we've spent time together or had a conversation on the phone.

I noticed today that it's a conscious choice on my part.  It's not an automated response that I'm not even aware has been said.  It's not a simple comment like 'have a nice day' that I toss out casually.  When I say it, I mean to say it.  Not only that, if I have ever said "I love you" to someone, it was said honestly and was a statement of my real feelings.

I have a cousin (I love you, Doo!) who takes it a step farther.  She is always adding "I appreciate you" to the mix.  How awesome is that?  Love is a feeling, an emotion, that we really have little if any control over.  But appreciation?  Wow - that's a choice.  That takes some thought.  You know what else?  When someone tells you that, it's an amazing feeling!

There's no real purpose to this blog except to express, yet again, how lucky I feel and blessed I am that God has filled my life with such beautiful people. Thank you, God. I love you, too.

The Root of All Evil - Enough vs Not Enough

Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction.
~Erich Fromm~

I was thumbing through a magazine the other day and saw an article about a mansion that caught my attention.  It was beautiful to be sure but what tickled my 'need to know' gene (doesn't everyone have one of those?) was that the mansion had 168 rooms. Really? What does ANYONE need with that many rooms???  I've seen buildings with that many rooms before but they're usually called HOTELS.

Which is another thing I thought about - how many of those rooms were bedrooms?  Who has a family that big???  Even my highly prolific 3rd great-grandfather who fathered 19 children and wore out two young women in the process would have had a hard time filling up all those rooms.

Now here's my thinking - who needs a home with more than a kitchen, dining room, living room, family room, maybe an office or even two, a bedroom for husband and wife, one for each child and a bedroom for granddaughters and and another for grandsons when they come along.  This is assuming that the children will grow up, move out, marry, have children of their own and then come back to visit for holidays and other family gatherings.  People live in much smaller homes and do just fine so, again I ask: what does anyone need with 168 rooms???

Then I thought, what about money?  Who really NEEDS billions of dollars to survive?  I mean, seriously, how can you spend all that money and how many generations below you do you plan to support?

I've heard that Bryant Gumble has a gold plated toilet with a warming seat and sprays you with warm water after you've finished what you went there to do - and then it flushes itself.  That must have cost a pretty penny but then what does he do with the rest of his millions or billions?

I'm pretty sure that Donald Trump pays more for one suit than I spend on clothes for an entire year - for both me and my husband.  I can't imagine that kind of money.  I would guess that neither he nor his children will live long enough to spend all of his money even if they never make another dime.

It's not just individuals.  Think of the corporations that make hundreds of  millions of dollars in profits each year.  Yet they still want more!  Wouldn't it be amazing if the highly paid executives at the top cut THEIR salaries while increasing the salaries of those at the bottom?  I doubt that this is what those who are in favor of "sharing the wealth" meant but, hey, why not?  Would it really be financially hurtful if the Trumpster only made $50 million this year instead of his usual $60 million?  And that's just his salary.  I'm sure he earns more from investments.  Much more.

Oh my gosh, can you imagine the dent in the National Debt if every single multi-millionaire and billionaire donated just one tenth of their net worth to help pay it off?  What if they donated even less to food banks and homeless shelters?  Suppose they all allocated a small portion for education?

Yes, I know, none of this is reality.  There are flaws - LOTS of flaws - in what I've said but can't you just imagine it?  What if greed no longer existed?  I'm not suggesting that people and companies can't make a profit.  I'm just asking why does it has to be such a HUGE profit?

Money is NOT a God.  No good can come from worshipping it.

My Sisters, My Friends

But what Mom never told me is that along the way, you find sisters, and they find you. Girls are cool that way.
~Adriana Trigiani, "Viola in Reel Life"~

Isn't it funny how we can want something so much it hurts and then one day, we realize we've had it all along?  That's me with sisters. I was an only girl raised with three brothers.  Don't get me wrong - I love all of my brothers but I always wanted a sister.  In my mind, sisters were best friends and confidants.

Since I had to grow up without a sister, I thought surely, God would give me a daughter.  Well, guess what?  He didn't.  I have two wonderful, amazing sons who I love more than anything in the world but I still wanted that daughter.  I don't know what it is about me that I wanted that close female bond but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I suppose that my desire to have a sister came from the fact that we lived with my grandparents when I was young and I got to see the sisterly bond between my mother's two sisters.  They were 10 and 12 years older than me so it was as if they were my sisters too but when you're four years old, your fourteen and sixteen year old sisters don't want you hanging aroung all the time.

My desire for that sister and then the daughter never went away but I've learned something recently.  I HAVE sisters.  No, we don't share blood but I couldn't love my 'chosen' sisters any more if they were related by blood.

Obviously, my aunts are the next best thing I have to blood sisters but they're not the only ones.  I have two female cousins who I've become close to over the last couple of years.  In fact, I just MET one of them in the last couple of years.  I would call on either one of them if I needed a shoulder and hope they feel they can do the same for me. Yes, Debbie Doo and Teresa - I'm speaking about the two of you.

But let me tell you about my 'chosen' sisters. There are four of them and I think the world of all of them.

First, there's Claire.  She and I have been friends for over 30 years.  We met when her son and my youngest son played t-ball together. We'd sit in the bleachers and cheer on our babies at every single game. Neither of us ever missed one in the early years.  Claire's husband was in the Navy and usually out to sea.  Mine was a cop and worked evenings back then.  I guess that's one reason we clicked.  After our kids got older and started having their own social lives, sometimes one of us would call the other and say "wanna go here or there or do this or that"?  Claire has always been there when I needed her and not once has she ever made me feel that it was out obligation.

Then there's Sue.  Sue and I met over 20 years ago when her son and my oldest son were roommates when they were both away for a summer.  Sue has proven to be a rock in some pretty rough times for me.  She has always been there and, like Claire, has never made me feel there was anything less than friendship between us.

My first "on-line" friend is Rene.  She and I "met" when we were both subscribed to a Patrick Swayze fan email group.  We started corresponding "off list" and it wasn't long until we realized how much we had in common.  We exchanged phone numbers and would call each other often.  After some time, we decided it was time to meet in person.  She and her husband were going to come to where I lived to meet my husband and me.  We were both wondering the same thing - should they stay at my house or a hotel?  We finally brought up the subject and, after each of us swearing to the other that we weren't axe murderers, it was agreed that they would stay with us.  It's been about 15 years since that first email and we're still close as ever. It was Rene who first called us 'chosen sisters'.  Rene always makes me feel that I'm an important part of her life.

Finally, there's Pattie.  I also met Pattie online.  It was probably 13-14 years ago when I first ventured into a couple of law enforcement-themed forums.  One was for the spouses of police officers and the other was about remembering and honoring fallen police officers.  Pattie was in both forums and I think we 'clicked' right away.  Like Rene, Pattie and I had a lot of similarities and things in common.  I don't think I realized how much we 'clicked' until someone wrote something derogatory about female officers.  My first thought was that I didn't want Pattie to see that and be insulted.  Pattie was an officer and her 'other half' as she calls him, is also.  Pattie says that's what started our friendship but I disagree.  I think the seeds of great friendship - great sister-hood - had already been planted.  She and I finally met in person for the first time in May 2000 when I ventured to DC for my first Police Week experience.  She'd already been going for several years and had already started doing what would very quickly become OUR labor of love.  Like Rene, Pattie always made sure I knew I was a special part of her life.

So, God DID give me sisters.  He just waited until I was old enough to appreciate them and then He gave me four.  These four women - these four STRONG women - have become my sisters, my confidants, my rocks and my best friends.  Add to that my two aunts and my two cousins and I am truly blessed.

Aunt Ginny, Aunt Mary, Debbie Doo, Teresa, Claire, Sue, Rene and Pattie - I love you all and you are ALL so very special to me.  Thank you, God, for putting them all in my life.

Mom, Family and Mortality

"Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight."

~Rossiter W. Raymond~

I've had my mom on my mind since my uncle's funeral.  I keep remembering her words the last couple of years of her life.  Time and again she would say "I want to go to Heaven so I can see Mama, Daddy and Ralph again".  Ralph was her youngest brother who died four years before she did.  Now, their oldest brother has joined them.  It gives me comfort to think they're all together and happy so I'm going to concentrate on that and not let the unhappy thoughts that are running through my mind today win.

If Mom were alive today, we'd be celebrating her 81st birthday.  Somehow, that doesn't seem very old anymore.  I remember when I was a teenager and she was in her late thirties.  She would make comments about needing to lose weight or having to do something with her hair or something like that and I would think to myself "Why? Who cares what you look like?  You're old."  Notice I said I thought it to myself?  I'm not stupid now and wasn't then either.  I knew there were some comments better left to yourself.

Both of my parents were from large families and both are gone.  Mom was the first of five and my dad was the third of eight.  My mom has two sisters left and my dad has one brother and two sisters.  Losing parents is something we all expect to happen in our lifetimes but does anyone ever give a thought to losing aunts and uncles and what that means?  For me, it means that my generation is quickly moving to the top and is the next generation to start dying off.  That's a humbling thought.

This 'facing one's own mortality' can be a good thing, I suppose.  It can cause you to take stock of your life and make whatever changes you feel you need to make.  For me, it means making sure that those I love know it.  It means getting my genealogical work in some sort of order so it can be passed on to the next generation.  It means trying to find a way to continue the work my friend and I do for National Police Week each year after we're both gone.  In other words, it means making sure my priorities are in the right order and taken care of.  I don't have a bucket list but if I did, that's what would be on it.

Isn't it funny that I can think that my mom wouldn't be all that old today but I feel ancient?  Perspective is a confusing thing sometimes.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Saying Goodbye

It is the will of God and Nature that these mortal bodies be laid aside, when the soul is to enter into real life; 'tis rather an embrio state, a preparation for living; a man is not completely born until he be dead:  Why then should we grieve that a new child is born among the immortals?
~Benjamin Franklin~

This week I had to say a final goodbye to an uncle who I loved dearly.  He was my mother's oldest brother and the uncle who prepared a huge feast for me and my family when we stopped for a short visit last month as we were passing by on our way elsewhere.  I'm so grateful that I got to see him one last time but will always regret that I didn't spend more time with him.

My mother was the oldest of five children and I am her oldest.  My father left when I was just 2 so we moved in with my grandparents.  My mother's brothers and sisters lived there as well so I was literally raised with them.  My aunts and uncles became more like siblings than aunts and uncles and through the years, I became extremely close and attached to them all.

This uncle was different, though.  Uncle Doodle (as we called him) was the life of the party everywhere he went.  No matter what kind of day you were having, when you spent a few hours with him, your spirits were lifted and your face hurt from laughing.

He loved his family and made them his first priority in life.  He made sure everyone was taken care of before he took care of himself.  He loved being the center of attention if it was beneficial to someone else but he never wanted the personal attention on himself.  Does that make sense?

Uncle Doodle had a heart of gold that I never appreciated through the years.  Maybe it wasn't that I didn't appreciate it, rather it was that I took it for granted.  He was who he was and we all just accepted that about him.  But, really, isn't that true for most of us?

It hit me since I've been home that whenever someone we care about dies, we think about all the little things about them that we either never noticed, never knew or just didn't appreciate about them.  I've been thinking about all the times my uncle did something nice for me and am struck by the numerous times he showed his love for me through the years.

He and I shared a common love for the Washington Redskins.  He once gave me a Redskins throw that I keep on a rocking chair in my living room.  At the time I didn't know he was such a fan.  When I learned that fact about him, the throw became more special to me.  Some years ago when I visited, he made a planter for me in the shape of a wishing well.  That, too, has become more dear to me.

I used to wonder if my uncle 'liked' me (my childhood word for 'love') but I don't wonder anymore.  One of my fondest memories of him is when he was going home after coming for his brother's funeral.  He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.  There is nothing in this world that he could have given me that could trump that.  I had a warm, fuzzy feeling all day that day.

I know you're with your parents, brother and sister so, rest well, Uncle Doodle.  I have always loved you and now I will always miss you as well.  Godspeed.. 

Have a Little Faith!

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof

~ Khalil Gibran ~

So here I sit - on the computer, trying to concentrate on what I'm working on but in the other room someone is watching a documentary about NDEs (near death experiences).  Of course I can hear it and it's peaked my curiosity.  I just don't understand why scientists feel they have to have an explanation or proof for every single thing.

What I find amusing is that these proof-seeking scientists blame NDEs on everything from dreaming to drugs to pre-trauma suggestions to weird happenings in the brain yet they can prove none of that either!  By the same token, I don't believe that any of them have disproven the reality that NDEs exist either.  I just don't understand why it's so hard for some people to believe in something that they can't prove.  They would rather look for reasons to believe (or maybe NOT believe) than to just have faith that something greater than they can imagine has happened.

Here's what I find to border on the ridiculous:  we are told that billions of years ago, something exploded in space (the big bang?) that created something that evolved into something that evolved into something else that... well, you see where that's going.  Anyway, every single thing that happened after that supposed 'bang' came together and fit like a glove.  The entire world and everything on it is pieced together with such minute precision that the odds of  it ever happening are astronomical.  Um, excuse me, but doesn't believing that also require faith?  I mean, is there unequivocal, undeniable, unfaltering and unimpeachable proof of that 'big bang'?  That's easier to believe (or have faith that it's true) than that a divine being created everything with a purpose and a plan?  Yeah, right.  I think that when a person wants to find a reason to not believe something, they'll find that reason.

Since I'm on the subject of believing that which you can't prove, I just don't get atheists.  I can understand believing in different dieties but to believe in none?  How sad that must be!  What must the reason for living be for those who have no faith in something greater than themselves?

Obviously, the faith I'm talking about is the faith in that something or someone greater than ourselves but there's also other kinds of faith.  Doesn't it require a certain amount of faith to love and trust another person?  Doesn't it require a certain amount of faith to plan for the future?

Faith is one of our greatest God-given gifts - after love, of course.  How can anyone not embrace it with all that they are?  And really, what are we without faith?  Personally, I'm glad I don't know.

What I've Learned and Believe About Love

“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
~ Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper ~

First and foremost, love never dies. Not if it's the real deal, anyway.  I'm not talking just about romantic love - I'm talking about ANY love - love for a parent or child, sibling or cousin, aunts, uncles, grandparents or friends.  And yes, even love for a spouse.

I believe that it's entirely possible to love someone you don't respect or even like.  I know this is absolutely true for me and if it's true for me, then it can be (and probably is) true for everyone.

I believe the happiest people are those who allow the love they have for others to remain on the surface and to shine through.

I believe that we all love someone who doesn't love us back and, by the same token, we all are loved by someone we don't love.

I believe that sometimes we can be so hurt that we harden our hearts in order not to be hurt again but that hard heart only locks the love deep inside.  It doesn't kill it.  Once we heal from the hurt (and forgive - oh, wait - I already did that blog) then the heart can soften and we can once again feel the love that's buried inside.  Bitterness and anger can disguise the love we feel but, again, they can't kill it.

I believe that loving someone does not mean that you approve of everything about them or everything they say or do.  Love is unconditional.  If you're placing conditions on your love then I say to you, you aren't giving love.

Lastly, I believe that love is the greatest gift God has given us.  Not only does He love us, but He also gave us the ability to love each other.  It doesn't get any better than that.

Oh - one more thing - if I have ever said "I love you" to you, please know that I do and always will because love never dies.

I just don't get it

If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all.

~ Noam Chomsky ~

Yesterday was certainly one for the record books, wasn't it?  Apparently, those who chose to support Chick-fil-A are considered bigots and hate mongers by some groups.  How narrow-minded can some people be?  Oh no, I'm not talking about those "bigots and hate mongers" who supported Chick-fil-A; rather, I'm talking about those self-righteous idiots who think the personal convictions of a company's owner is reason enough to take away his right to express his opinion and to build a business.

I heard that one of the issues with Dan Cathey is that he donated money to anti-gay groups.  So what?  It's his money and, frankly, his right to donate to whichever causes he chooses. When the CEO of Amazon.com gave $2.5 million to a pro-gay marriage group, no one suggested we boycot HIS business.  In my opinion, no one should have.  Like Mr. Cathey, it's his money and his right to donate to whichever causes he believes in.

To me, it's simple.  If you can't or won't support a company because of conflicting beliefs, then don't spend money at those businesses.  What's the big deal?  Personally, I support BOTH businesses.  I don't give a rat's patootie what they believe about anything.  I love the food at Chick-fil-A and I buy a LOT of stuff from Amazon.com - I even have an Amazon.com VISA card...  love getting those points so I can get more stuff!

You know, I could understand the reasoning behind all this nonsense if these companies were owned by the government and supported by tax payers.  They're not.  They're privately owned companies that are supported by the people who patronize their businesses.  If you are so opposed to the belief system of any particular company, then don't spend money there.  At the same time, don't tell someone else they can't spend money there either.  It's just that simple.

According to one of the anchors at FOX News, yesterday was a 'national day of intolerance'.  I wonder if he sees the irony in his words?  The intolerance came not from those supporting Chick-fil-A but from those who apparently don't support free speech for those whose opinons differ from theirs.  You know what?  I bet the majority of Americans would be surprised to know what causes some of their favorite businesses support.

In America, we're all granted the same rights.  So how come some groups say it's not okay for other groups to exercise those rights?  Isn't that exactly what our forefathers fought and died for?

Don't know about anyone else, but I'm going to keep eating at Chick-fil-A and buying things from Amazon.com.  Is this a great country or what?

To err is human, to forgive, divine

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

~Buddha~

I was on facebook recently and saw this comment "Broken trust and anger will close a heart until honesty and love is once again found".  I believe there's a piece missing in that statement.  I'm talking about forgiveness.  Now, here are my thoughts on broken trust, anger, honesty, love and forgiveness:

Anger is a temporary emotion that, left alone, will subside.  It takes effort to hold onto anger.  It steals our happy moments and replaces them with negative emotions like resentment.  Anger, resentment, not forgiving are all cancers that eat away at our happiness one nibble at a time.  No one stays angry forever unless they try.  Situations change.  Opinions and circumstances change.  People change.  If you're still angry about something that happened a long time ago, you need to ask yourself why and who, really, is being hurt by that anger. 

It's true the spoken word can't be unsaid or the broken trust unbroken but both can be forgiven and the broken trust can be mended  Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting nor does it mean that trust is automatically regained.  It simply means that you're not going to let one (or even a hundred and one) incident affect your life, steal your happiness or harden your heart.  Forgiveness is not only healing, it's also freeing.  It frees you of the shackles of anger and resentment and allows you to concentrate your energies on the positive.

So, what about the love and honesty?  I'm not sure where they fit in, to be truthful.  I think it's hard to be honest with yourself if you're holding on to anger.  Love?  I don't know anyone who hasn't ever been angry at someone they love (or had someone who loved them, be angry at them) but I think it's absolutely impossible to hold onto anger if you truly love someone.

Sometimes there are people in our lives who break our trust over and over again or hurt us on a regular basis.  I know that's been true for me at different times in my life.  My answer to that is to forgive those people so I can heal and then remove them from my life.  Like I said earlier, forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance.  Forgive, let it go and then move on.

As for me, I tend to forgive everyone for everything - it may be in my own time, but it always happens.  I don't do it for those who hurt me.  I do it for myself because I matter.  Besides, we will all stand before God one day and want to be forgiven.  How can we ask for and expect to receive that which we refuse to give?  Think about it.

My Coming Out

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.
~Richard Armour~

I'm sure it comes as no surprise to those who know me but I am a conservative republican.  There. I said it. Even more, I'm going to elaborate on WHY I'm a conservative (bet you saw that coming a mile away, huh?).

I believe in God and religious freedom - as did our forefathers. Nowhere have I ever seen or heard of anything that indicated they were offended by someone else's spiritual or religious beliefs. Even those who supported separation of church and state still believed in God.  Thomas Jefferson, for example, was one of those supporters of separation of church and state. When we wrote the 'Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom", he begins with the line "Whereas, Almighty God hath created the mind free".

Freedom of religion is one of the basic principles on which this great country was founded.  Somewhere along the line some yahoo decided that also meant freedom FROM religion.  I challenge anyone to find something - anything - that substantiates that claim.  Freedom OF religion simply grants everyone the right to practice whichever religion they so choose.  It doesn't force anyone to practice a religion.

I believe in the Second Amendment.  I just don't get the idea that gun control is the answer to decreasing the number of violent crimes.  Seriously?  Criminals don't obey laws anyway and, truthfully, what's the percentage of criminals who are armed with legal weapons?  Are there even statistics on that?

I believe parents have the right to discipline their children without interference from the government.  Spanking your children is NOT abuse.  Exactly WHEN did it happen that children have more rights than their parents? Yes, abuse happens and that should be dealt with accordingly but to tell every parent they can't discipline their children because some children are abused is just wrong.  No wonder we have so much disrespect and crime in our country.  Children aren't taught that actions have consequences.  Without that, how can they learn right from wrong?

I believe anyone from any country should be able to come to America but through LEGAL channels.  I believe anyone wishing to make my country their home should have to learn our language - not the other way around.  America has always been known as the Great Melting Pot - and I'm proud of that heritage - but when our ancestors came here (and unless you're 100% American Indian, you're here because someone immigrated) they came legally and adapted to OUR customs and ways of doing things.  My husband's grandparents were immigrants from Italy.  The first thing they did was learn our language.  They still spoke Italian at home and honored their cultures BUT they practiced American cultures in public.  They became citizens and worked hard to make a living.  With good reason and my support, my husband is very proud of his Italian ancestry.

I believe in supporting our country and honoring those who fought and died for all of our freedoms.  We don't have to believe in a cause or support the reasons for a war in order to respect and support our troops.

I believe in the right to life.  I can't imagine any circumstance under which I would kill my unborn baby.  Having said that, abortion is a legal right and I would never deny someone else their right to obtain one.  However, I absolutely, positively do NOT believe that my tax dollars should pay for what I believe to be murder.  It kind of goes back to another line Thomas Jefferson wrote in his "Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom": "That to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves is sinful and tyrannical".  That could apply to a lot of things, couldn't it?

I also believe in love and the rights of everyone to marry the person they love.  I believe in the Bible and the teachings of Jesus but I also recognize that not everyone believes as I do.  I support those who believe differently in their right to their beliefs and would never judge or condemn someone for choosing a path different than mine.  Love is too rare a commodity today for me to attempt to tell anyone who they can or can't love.

So, there you go.  I'm a conservative republican who is tolerant of all beliefs, who supports the rights of everyone to their own beliefs and opinions and who thinks maybe she might have been born in the wrong decade.

Vacation of Love

The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.
~Vincent Van Gogh~

I just got back from a vacation during which I visited several people who I love dearly.  All of them except one are related biologically and the other is related through our hearts.

First visit was to our son and daughter-in-law.  The 8 hour drive was amazing.  They live in Tennessee - right in the heart of the Smoky Mountains and we live in eastern Virginia so we had to drive through the Blue Ridge Mountains.  Both ranges are spectacular and, truthfully, each range is probably an extension of the other.  I might be just a few minutes drive from the beaches of the Atlantic Ocean, but give me mountains any day of the week.

It was so good to see my kids - it felt as though it'd been ages since I'd seen them when, in reality, it had only been a few weeks.  I'm the kind of mom who wants her children to fly the nest but only to a new nest in the next tree.  Our youngest son lives about five miles from us and that's a perfect distance in my opinion.  But no matter how many miles separate us from our children, we remain a close and loving family.

After a couple of days with our kids, we packed up and headed to Ohio. Of course, the kids joined us on this leg of the journey.  We spent a wonderful afternoon with my aunt and uncle who I've not seen in several years.  Neither my uncle nor my aunt are in the best of health these days and they're not getting any younger.  I wanted to make sure to see them on this trip since I'm not sure when (or if) I'll ever get to see them again.  My uncle, God bless him, spent the morning cooking for us and had a spread laid out when we got there.  They didn't want us to leave - and frankly, I didn't want to leave either - but we were chomping at the bit to get to our final destination.

After long, drawn out goodbyes, we piled in the truck and headed north to my chosen sister's place in northern Ohio.  She and I met several years ago when we both joined a Patrick Swayze fan based email list.  We clicked right away and decided that each of us was the sister that God hadn't given us.  It had been seven years since we last saw each other in person so this was a long overdue visit.

The final destination was sort of my chosen sister's place.  I say "sort of" because the real reason for the trip was to visit our granddaughter who is living in a nursing home just a short drive from where my chosen sister lives.  Our son and daughter-in-law had to place her there because of the physical and mental handicaps she has.  Though they told us it was a good place and that she was happy there, you know Grandma and Grandpa had to see it for themselves.  We never doubted their word, but still, I want to see things for myself and, in this case, my husband did too.  We were not disappointed.

Our girl is extremely happy in her new home (and yeah, I have a really hard time using that word to describe where she is now).  She's actually flourishing and isn't "different" anymore.  In fact, she's the normal and WE are the ones who are "different" now.  I was worried, though, about how she would be when it was time for us to leave her.  I shouldn't have.  She was glad to see us but was happy to stay behind when we left.

We spent a few days with my sis and then headed back to Tennessee and, finally, Virginia.  I learned on this trip that love is an amazing thing.  I saw it not only in the faces of my family but when the staff at the nursing home tended to my granddaughter, when she looked at them and when she interacted with other residents of the home, when my chosen sister wore herself out seeing to our every need and when my uncle cooked that huge meal for us.  I'm sure it was a chore for him but I have no doubt that he did it out of love.

I consider myself very blessed that God gave me the family I have and that He lead me to the right friends.  Life is good and God is good.

Everything you always wanted to know about nothing

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

~Steven Wright~

I've been trying to come up with a topic for a blog for a few days but my mind seems to be a total blank.  Well, okay, maybe not a TOTAL blank but you get my point.  There seems to be a lot of 'what if' and 'why' questions in my head but no filler, so to speak, to go with them.

I think that one of my problems is that I've got two projects going and my mind wanders from one to the other.  I want to get them both done - NOW - and it's just not happening.  Have I ever mentioned that I'm totally into instant gratification and that I hate that about myself?

One of my projects involves writing poetry and it's turned out to be more of a challenge than I expected.  Putting sentences together with words that rhyme at the end isn't so tough.  but what I'm trying to do is personalize poems about people I don't know and that's not all that easy.  Still, it's quite satisfying when I do get one finished.

The other project I'm working on is a surprise for my family so I won't talk about that one except to say that it's easier (for me, anyway) than the poetry.

And then there's my genealogy research.  I'm banging my head against brick wall after brick wall and just don't understand why all of my ancestors didn't know that I'd be looking for them and leave me some kind of paper trail to use in finding them.  They are all SO going to get a piece of my mind when I get to the other side.

So, there ya go.  Guess I'll see if I can get more focused and... Wow! I just wrote a blog about why I haven't been able to write a blog.  Man, I'm good :^)

Being this fat sucks

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.
~Shelley Winters~

So I'm getting dressed this morning and did okay until it came time to pick out a top.  Nothing fit me like I thought it should.  Everything, it seemed, not only accentuated but actually showed off my loaf of bread (we passed 'muffin top' a LONG time ago!).   I'd put on a top, check it in my full length mirror and take it off.  Finally, I sighed and said to myself "being this fat sucks".  Talk about an 'aha' moment!  How ironic that the biggest wish I have is in my own power to grant yet I just keep wishing instead of making it happen.

If only I were one of those people who could go on one of those diets where you get full on less food and stay full longer.  Unfortunately, for me, eating has nothing to do with being hungry.  I eat when I'm bored or hurt or sad or happy or have something to celebrate.  Simply put, I like food.  Period.  Plain and simple - and I have a hard time denying myself that which I like.

So, now that I've admitted it to myself and said it out loud, what's next?  Am I going to spend the rest of my life wanting and wishing or am I going to actually take action to do something about it?  The thing is, I like healthy food that's low in calories and fat as much as I do the not-so-healthy stuff.  The problem is, the healthy foods aren't filling to me so I eat them WITH the unhealthy foods.  Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Despite what the medical professional's charts say, I'm not what I would call obese - no, that's for people who are sloppy fat and weigh 300 lbs - I haven't even hit 200 - yet, anyway.  Today I said out loud that I'm fat and probably really heard it for the first time.  I don't ever want to look at myself in the mirror and say 'being this obese sucks'.

Even more than that, being fat (do I HAVE to keep using that word???) is affecting my health.  I take high blood pressure and cholesterol medication and my doc keeps telling me I'm pre-diabetic.  I do NOT want to be a diabetic.  I have arthritis all over my body but it hurts most in my knees and hips - of course - you'd hurt too if you were carrying a baby elephant around all day!

So, if it's true what they say about today being the first day of the rest of your life, I guess I need to make a decision to grant my own wish and then do whatever I need to do to make it come true.  Cause, ya know, being this fat sucks.

It's for the rest of your life

Tattoos are permanent and a lifelong commitment, the same as marriage.
~Chester Bennington~

I was out shopping this morning and ran into a young lady who looked to be in her early 20's.  I really didn't pay her much mind at first but my brother who was with me did.  "Did that hurt?" I heard him ask her and turned to see what he was talking about.  She had a tattoo on the back of her hand that traveled up her wrist and part way up her lower arm.   The young lady replied that it didn't really hurt but she sure regretted having gotten it - and several others she had.

First, let me say that I don't like tattoos at all.  I don't care how pretty the artwork is or how skilled the artist is at making them look real.  I don't like them, have never liked them and will never like them.  Having said that, I don't judge anyone who has tattoos - in fact, both of my sons have tattoos and I love them dearly - the sons, not the tattoos.  I also know that they are good, decent and honorable men so I never assume that anyone with tattoos is less than that because of their tats.

Getting back to the young lady - when she made her comment about regrets, I simply said "it's nice to hear someone admit that".  She then touched her head that was recently shaved and said she also regretted coloring her hair because it was falling out from the chemicals.  I have to admit, she looked good with her hair shaved and told her that.  Then she pointed to her baby daughter sitting in a stroller and said "I hope she learns from my mistakes".

I've thought about her almost constantly since we parted.  I had a strong feeling that I wanted to help this girl but didn't know how.  I still don't but I can't seem to get her off my mind.  I wish we'd have exchanged names or something but it really didn't seem appropriate.  I'm a strong believer in Divine Intervention and am positive that if God gave me those feelings, then He will bring us together again and guide me to helping her.

Of course, maybe it's just that I had a maternal instinct since she was young enough to be my daughter.  Her mannerisms and quiet acceptance of her past actions impressed me, I think.  She didn't make excuses or blame someone or some thing else.  She owned her past actions and seemingly is prepared to offer herself up as an example to her daughter.

I don't know what anyone else might think, but I'm thinking that little girl has a pretty good mom.

I approve this message

“Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote.”
~William E. Simon~

At this point, I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will be facing each other in the November presidential election.  That said, can't they wait until they're actually officially nominated before the campaign ads start???  I'm speaking strictly about TV commercials here.  I know - that's not realistic but even so, it's a thought.  We all know it's going to be a choice between the two men mentioned above and, honestly, I DO understand why they get started early but can't they put the TV ads off just a little?  I'm already sick to death of hearing "My name is [fill in the blank] and I approve this message" - and it's only June!

I guess campaigning is a necessary evil but it seems that it could be done with class, decorum and respect rather than the constant barrage of negativity we get on a daily (dare I say 'hourly'?) basis.  That word "constant" begs another question - do we really need to see the same campaign commercials over and over and over and over in the same day just to wake up the next day and start them over again?  Do they really think those ads are going to sway voters?  Yeah, they probably do and actually, some voters ARE probably swayed by them.

Maybe if the candidates stuck mainly to issues and what they would do for our country, I wouldn't mind so much.  Instead, they will begin telling us not why we should vote for them but why we shouldn't vote for the other candidate.  Seriously?  They're offering themselves up as the lesser of two evils?  And we wonder why that's what elections become about - choosing the lesser of two evils.  The candidates themselves have dictated it!

One of the things that gets my goat the most is why Candidate A insists on calling Candidate B a liar because he now supports an issue that he voted against in Congress ten years ago.  Really?  It's not possible that circumstances may have changed since then or he just changed his opinion on an issue?

I know that many - probably most - Americans don't know what their elected officials do or how they vote on issues when they're in office but I resent that an opponent of any given candidate thinks it's his responsibility to inform me of downfalls of the other candidate.  Not only that, but they expect me to believe them without question.  Seriously?  You know what I think is kind of ironic in this whole negative campaigning thing?  I always think less of the candidate slinging mud than I do of the one being muddied - does that make sense?

No matter what the campaigns would have me believe or how negative they might get, I will go to the polls in November and cast my one lowly vote with a clean conscience.  Wouldn't it be nice if the candidates ran for the office the same way?

Daddies, daughters and experiencing life

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.

~Henry Ford~

 

Sometimes I think about my life and wonder why certain things did or didn't happen to me.  I spent a lot of time during my childhood comparing my life to that of my friends.  I wondered why I didn't have parents like theirs or why they were popular in school and I wasn't.  Why did I have to be the child of divorce who never knew her dad?  Why did I have a step-dad who didn't know how to be a dad? Why were we poor sometimes and not so poor others?  Why did we have to move all the time?  What would my life have been like if things had been different?

During my youth - most especially my teen years - I wanted to be different.  I wanted to experience the same things that those who I considered "normal" experienced.  I wanted to live in one place forever and take really cool vacations in the summer.  I wanted to be involved in all kinds of extra-curricular activities in school as well as making the honor roll every grading period.  I wanted to have the same best friend from first grade through college.  We'd be each other's maids of honor at our weddings.  We'd live next door to each other and our children (and husbands) would be best friends.  Even our grandchildren would get to know each other.  Obviously, that didn't happen.

But the biggest thing I wanted different in my life was to know my dad - my "real" dad as I would always call him.  He left a void in my heart that I didn't think would ever be filled.  This one thing - my dream - would eventually happen and it did help close that void.

When I was 33, he found me.  HE found ME.  That very statement in and of itself made a huge impact.  It served to let me know that he had never forgotten me.  We met a couple weeks after our first phone conversation and it was like I was in another world.  THIS is the kind of stuff that happens to other people - not to someone like me.  My "real" dad was a part of my life after that until he died.

My brothers never showed much of an interest in meeting our dad but they eventually formed a relationship with him as well.  He would come visit us about one weekend a month and would take us, our spouses and children out for a big meal.  He said he owed us so much that one meal a month wouldn't make a dent in that debt.

When my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, he called me and told me himself.  He made it sound like it was a minor issue and asked me to let my brothers know.  That was the last time I ever talked to him.

Since that first meeting, I wondered (again!) what my life would have been like had he stayed around and raised me and my brothers.  I've since decided that it probably would have been worse in some ways and better in others.

My childhood wasn't all that great but it wasn't the worse I could have had either.  I think I used to blame my childhood for a lot of things but after spending time with my dad I learned two things - first, there comes a time in your life when you have to quit blaming your childhood and take responsibility for your adulthood.  What happened in your past happened.  It can't be erased or changed nor can it every really be forgotten but you CAN put it behind you and not let it control your life anymore.

The second thing I learned was that what happens in our lives happens the way it's supposed to happen.  We are the sum of all of our experinces and those experiences - good and bad - eventually mold us into the person we eventually become.  The trick - and I consider this one a biggie for me - is to accept who you are and learn to love yourself.

I've decided that I'm ok just the way I am and I like the person I've become.  Without my life experiences I'd probably be someone else and I can't imagine I'd like her very much so I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out.

This lesson is one that I'm constantly learning and have come to realize most of it in the last few years.  I guess I'm fortunate.  So many people never learn this lesson.  Thank you, God.