Saying Goodbye to a Brother

After a girl is grown, her little brothers - now her protectors  - seem like big brothers.
~Terri Guillemets~

I was blessed with four wonderful brothers.  Yesterday I said goodbye to one of them.  I've lost grandparents, parents and uncles but never a sibling.  To have lost any of my brothers would be devastating but this one was particularly painful - at least, I think it was. You see, I didn't just lose a brother. I also lost the opportunity to get to know him better, to make memories, to make discoveries about his life and to develop an even deeper love for him.  I don't have many memories from which I can seek comfort - no good times to laugh about, no sibling rivalry stories to recount, no times when we shared tears together.

My brother didn't have a long life but in the last few days, I learned that he had a rich, full life. He was blessed with a beautiful wife and three equally beautiful daughters who all loved him with all of their hearts.  He returned that love to them tenfold.  All three of his daughters were 'Daddy's Girls' but his precious wife was clearly the love of his life - as  he was hers.

A couple of days ago, my surviving brothers and I were at our sister-in-law's home where we were helping with photo boards to display at the public viewing.  I was amazed at how much life this wonderful man lived in such a short time.  I learned that he loved 'free falling' when I saw a photo of him after he jumped from a plane but before he opened his parachute.  He seemed to be floating among the clouds and I found that a comforting thought as we said our goodbyes.  My brother is up there above the clouds where he seemed to love to be.

While my other brothers and I were getting ready for the service yesterday, we were all watching the same morning show (coincidence? I think not!) on which a man who had been revived 47 minutes after he died recounted his experience.  When he was asked what it was like, the man said that he felt himself falling and then he felt himself "shoot out of his body like a rocket".  Until that point, the man was in a lot of pain but he said as soon as he was propelled from his body, he was no longer in pain and had an amazing sense of peace around him.  Again, I was comforted thinking of my brother as whole again with no pain in his body.

I will never know why we could not have known this brother until so late in our lives, why our father had to leave all of us and why we couldn't have had more time with our newest brother.  I do know, though, that God saw fit to give us some time together and in doing so, He enriched our lives in a way that will impact me forever.

For my sister-in-law and nieces, I would ask God to help them in this time of grief, to ease their heartache, to give them comfort as they learn to remember the good times without tears and to let them know that we are all here for them in whatever way they may need us.

As for our brother, he was in our lives for a very short time but he will be in our hearts forever. I love you, Bubby.  Rest in peace.

On Presidents and Their Day

The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.
~Albert Einstein~

What an appropriate day for my offense to rear its ugly head.  It's no secret that I am NOT a supporter of President Obama but I'm really offended by some of the lengths some people and groups go in order to belittle him and his policies.

Some of the so-called "jokes" about him and his presidency that are out there are funny but others, in my opinion, cross the line.  Today, I saw what was supposed to be a funny cartoon.  It showed Obama in front of a crematorium oven saying "Trust me, it's really an MRI machine".  I found nothing funny about that. The same applies to the one I saw that had him smiling, a bunch of long screws surrounding him with a caption that read "Free Obamacare Suppositories".

Maybe it's because it's President's Day and I have a deep respect for the office that I found those 'jokes' especially offensive.  Don't get me wrong - I didn't vote for Obama either time he ran nor do I support his policies.  Personally, I can't stand the man.  I think he's a liar and a hypocrite who's only out for himself and his family.

The office of President of the United States deserves our respect even if the person who holds that title does not.  I believe it's true that Obama has done nothing to bring respect to the office he holds and he probably never will.  In fact, I believe he has done  more to disrespect the office than any amount of offensive jokes I've seen.  In my opinion, it will take us years to undo the damage he has done - not just in his policies but also in how the rest of world sees us.

There is a world of difference in how the office of POTUS began with George Washington and what it has become with Barack Obama.  It's hardly recognizable as the same office.  I understand the country has become much bigger and the issues more complicated but common decency and a sense of pride, until this presidency, has always been part of the office.

There have been many scandals involving our presidents through the years.  Who can forget Watergate or the "I never had sexual relations with that woman" debacle?  Both of those examples brought some disgrace to the men but very little disrespect to the office.  I don't believe that's true with our current president.

As much I would love to, I can't place all the blame for the current level of disrespect shown to the office of President on Obama.  Those who create and perpetuate such 'jokes' as I mentioned do nothing to add respect to the office.  In fact, they are part of the problem.

It's true what they say. If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem.  The group that posted those jokes on facebook has been deleted from my facebook account.  I will no longer participate in "Obama bashing" nor will I condone it.  That's not to say that I won't offer my opinion or share whatever I feel needs to be shared.  I just won't be perpetuating offensive jokes.

On Brothers and Sisters

There's no other love like the love for a brother.  There's no other love like the love from a brother.
~Terri Guillemets~

Two years ago today, I got an email that said "I think your dad is also my husband's dad".  It was the beginning of something wonderful in my life and the last (maybe) of surprises from my father.

As I've said before, my father left our family when I was two years old.  I had a one-year old brother and a new born baby brother.  About five years later, my mother was remarried and gave me another brother.  Before my baby brother was a year old, his father was out of the picture and we had a new step-dad.  That's how I grew up - the oldest of four children with a step-father who had grown up a victim of child abuse.

All my life, I wanted to know who my "real" father was.  Oh, I always knew his name (my second brother was a Jr) but I didn't know the man.  I didn't know what he looked like or what kind of person he was.  My mother told me he had died after being hit by a train.  I never knew (still don't) if she lied or if she had heard that somewhere and believed it.

Fast forward to the year I was about to turn 33 - just a couple weeks before my birthday, actually.  I got a phone call from my dad!  I was ecstatic!  It was my life's dream come true.  He told me that he'd thought about me and my "two" brothers through the years and that he loved me.  I never thought I'd hear anything so wonderful in my life.

Did I have any questions for him, he wanted to know.  I surprised myself when my only question was "do I have any brothers and sisters I don't know about?"  I didn't ask why he left or why he got in touch after all these years.  I wanted more siblings!  Yes, he told me.  He had another son and two daughters.  SISTERS!  YES!  Another lifelong dream come true!

My dad eventually started visiting us about one weekend a month for the next few years.  I learned that he wasn't the best person in the world but he was blatantly honest.  He admitted to anything he may have done wrong and never once blamed anything on anyone else.

The last time I spoke to my dad, he called me to tell me he had lung cancer and would I let my brothers know.  When I found out that he was in the hospital in intensive care a few months later, my brothers and I decided that we wanted to visit him.  He was in Michigan where his 'other' son lived so I got his number and called.  I spoke with my sister-in-law, explained who I was and asked if they would mind if we came to visit our dad before he died.  She knew about us and said of course we'd be welcome.

I called her a couple of days later to tell her our travel plans and she informed me that our dad had passed away the day before.  So my two oldest brothers and I packed ourselves in my little car and we headed to Michigan for our dad's funeral.  We knew we'd meet our new brother and sisters and were happy about that.  Turns out we were SO VERY WRONG.

Our new brother was okay at best, distant with us.  He was probably just as confused as we were.  The sisters, however, were quite hostile and wanted nothing to do with us.  We took the hint.  I went from having 3 brothers to having 4 brothers and 2 sisters and back to just having 3 brothers.  I honestly tried to forge a relationship with the "other 3" as we called them but they were having none of it.

Fast forward again to two years ago and that wonderful email. Between the first three and the other three, there was one more.  This time, our new brother was interested in being just that - our brother.  And how blessed we are that he came into our lives!  He's a wonderful man with an equally wonderful wife and three of the most beautiful daughters God ever put on this earth.  Now I was the oldest of five with four awesome brothers.  God is good!

When I met my new brother for the first time - about a month after the first email - I learned that love at first sight is real.  I can't explain it but I felt an instant connection to this man who until now was a total stranger.  He was my brother in every sense of the word and I loved him as much as I did - do - love my other 3 brothers.  The only difference was that we had no shared memories.

We'll never have childhood memories but we've been together a handful of times so we're making memories now.  We don't have a lot of time, unfortunately.  My brother is not well and is no longer able to travel.  For now, I still have him in my life and I will cherish that as long as I can.

Thank you, Sister-in-law, for sending that first email and for making us a part of our brother's life.  I appreciate you so much.

And, Bubby - happy birthday.  I love you.

Growing Up Well-Adjusted Takes Work!

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
~Epictetus~

Yesterday, my cousin and I were out "digging up dead people" (AKA: genealogy research) when we started talking about our common paternal line.  She and I are only ten days apart in age and resemble each other physically as well as sharing some common ideas, opinions and pet peeves.

My cousin's parents have been married for 60-something years and raised their two daughters together.  My parents were married for 9 years, but only lived together for about 4 of those years.  My father left when I was 2 and I grew up never knowing anything about him or his family.  My cousin and I actually "met" on a genealogy message board a few years ago and formed an instant connection.

The natural progression of such a conversation, obviously, was to talk about our childhoods and the differences in how we were raised.  I found it a little more than interesting that we should have such diverse childhoods yet be so much alike in our adulthoods.

My cousin surprised me twice by what she had to say about me - first that I was pretty well-adjusted for the childhood I lived through and that I tended to 'command a presence' when I entered a room.  I'm not quite sure what that second comment means and, frankly, I was more complimented by her first statement.  There are two things I've learned in the course of my life that, I believe, has fared well for me.

First, the past cannot be changed. Our reactions to those experiences are what makes us the person we become.  We have to acknowledge the good and bad in our lives, accept that we are the sum of those experiences and ultimately choose which experiences will guide us through our lives.  In other words, there comes a time when we have to quit blaming our childhoods and start taking responsibility for our adulthoods.  Accepting that our childhoods - good or bad - was not a personal choice and then believing that we are worthy to be loved no matter what we were taught when we were young is a huge step in becoming well-adjusted.

Second, we need to understand that those who may have wronged us in our childhoods, didn't always do so because they were inherently bad people.  Everyone knows that abuse begets abuse.  Breaking that chain is hard work.  It begins with the knowledge that it's wrong and a decision to not perpetuate the bad in our lives.  When we finally understand - TRULY understand - why the grownups in our lives do certain things, then we can begin to forgive them.  We don't accept that it's right but we forgive the behavior because forgiving is the first step to healing.

Knowing that I was worthy to be loved, learning that I am a good person and, finally to love myself was a huge breakthrough for me.  It has made it easier for me to love others and to raise my own children with the sense that they, too, are good people who are worthy to be loved.

Now, I just need to work on that "command a presence" thing...