Growing Up Well-Adjusted Takes Work!

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
~Epictetus~

Yesterday, my cousin and I were out "digging up dead people" (AKA: genealogy research) when we started talking about our common paternal line.  She and I are only ten days apart in age and resemble each other physically as well as sharing some common ideas, opinions and pet peeves.

My cousin's parents have been married for 60-something years and raised their two daughters together.  My parents were married for 9 years, but only lived together for about 4 of those years.  My father left when I was 2 and I grew up never knowing anything about him or his family.  My cousin and I actually "met" on a genealogy message board a few years ago and formed an instant connection.

The natural progression of such a conversation, obviously, was to talk about our childhoods and the differences in how we were raised.  I found it a little more than interesting that we should have such diverse childhoods yet be so much alike in our adulthoods.

My cousin surprised me twice by what she had to say about me - first that I was pretty well-adjusted for the childhood I lived through and that I tended to 'command a presence' when I entered a room.  I'm not quite sure what that second comment means and, frankly, I was more complimented by her first statement.  There are two things I've learned in the course of my life that, I believe, has fared well for me.

First, the past cannot be changed. Our reactions to those experiences are what makes us the person we become.  We have to acknowledge the good and bad in our lives, accept that we are the sum of those experiences and ultimately choose which experiences will guide us through our lives.  In other words, there comes a time when we have to quit blaming our childhoods and start taking responsibility for our adulthoods.  Accepting that our childhoods - good or bad - was not a personal choice and then believing that we are worthy to be loved no matter what we were taught when we were young is a huge step in becoming well-adjusted.

Second, we need to understand that those who may have wronged us in our childhoods, didn't always do so because they were inherently bad people.  Everyone knows that abuse begets abuse.  Breaking that chain is hard work.  It begins with the knowledge that it's wrong and a decision to not perpetuate the bad in our lives.  When we finally understand - TRULY understand - why the grownups in our lives do certain things, then we can begin to forgive them.  We don't accept that it's right but we forgive the behavior because forgiving is the first step to healing.

Knowing that I was worthy to be loved, learning that I am a good person and, finally to love myself was a huge breakthrough for me.  It has made it easier for me to love others and to raise my own children with the sense that they, too, are good people who are worthy to be loved.

Now, I just need to work on that "command a presence" thing...